It's a strange thing, I have been so confident for three weeks about what I was going to preach. I have had the topic down cold in my head, the things I wanted to say so clear. But reading over it now, less than twenty-four hours from when I am to preach it, it feels inadequate.
I think I know why, it feels like I have taken so much of what I wanted to say out of the sermon, and really, I think that's for the best.
The fear that was building in me because I was so confident in what I was preaching, was that it was becoming more about my words and less about God's glory.
It's only my second time preaching and so many people told me I did good the first time, that part of me now dreads not hearing that I did good.
My head has done a one-eighty in the past few days.
I am concerned with the things that should be afterthought, and unconcerned with the things that should be bothering me.
And maybe it all boils down to who I will be preaching to.
My dad, who doesn't go to church, is supposed to be there. My mom who goes to another church. Two aunts and an uncle on my dads side. I think one uncle and my grandparents on my moms side. A cousin of mine that doesn't go to church and his wife.
I haven't really thought about what it will be like to preach to people I go to church with, it's preaching to family that's kind of getting to me.
I don't know how many of them are saved, I think they all say they are saved, but I don't "know."
And that weighs on me. Do I have enough of God's word in there to lead someone to salvation, or is my message aimed more at firing up the congregation for God, to get them out there knocking down doors to tell people about Jesus.
And for the ones that don't go to church, being that they'll be there this time, am I missing the only chance I have to give them the gospel?
It weighs heavy on my shoulders, and it makes me sick to my stomach to think that their eternal fate may in any way rest upon what I say tomorrow night. That my words might push them away from Christ. That I might block their view of the cross because my words are to harsh. That they might think they have plenty of time to decide because my words are too soft.
I have been called by God to preach. I pray that it's his words and not my own tomorrow night.
I take comfort that when the time comes, the Holy Spirit will be with me.
If it wasn't I couldn't do this.
I think anyone that knows me can attest to the fact that less than two years ago you couldn't have gotten me up in front of a crowd for anything, much less get me to speak in front of a crowd.
Heck, eight months ago I was still playing the background.
I know that it is only Christ working in me that allows me to stand before men and proclaim the Gospel of Christ. I know that without Him I would be silent, hiding in a corner somewhere. Walking in the church and sitting silently until the service was over and then leaving, not really talking with anyone.
I knew when I started attending church again in 2009 after twelve years away, I knew that I was being drawn to something big. Huge even. I could feel the drawing of myself, I could see a clear path before me.
Things just continued to fall into place to make it possible for me to attend a Bible institute. To have a job schedule so I could be on call for running the sound system at odd times. To have the freedom from a family that wold keep me from being able to fulfill all that God has for me to do.
And it seemed so clear a year and a half ago, and still seems so clear now what God called me back for.
My time being a spectator Christian is over, it's time for me to learn to lead the team, to be a starter on the field for every play.
I just wish I didn't screw up as much as I do. I wish I didn't feel like a worm crawling in the dirt of the earth. But I remind myself that there are many lost souls out there that feel the same way, and they need someone who isn't afraid to get down in the dirt to find them and drag them to a meeting with the most Holy God in heaven.
I may feel worthless at times, but the Bible is full of stories of God using small things, week things, people that had written themselves off, that society had written off. The Bible is full of these stories of God doing big things with those He has chosen and called out.
I'm not putting myself out there as the chosen one of God, I just want to do what He wants me to do.
I don't want to fight His will for my life anymore. I want to go where He sends me, I want Him to use me in a way that brings Him glory. And if no one gets saved directly through Christ working in me, but I did what God asked of me, if I was obedient to the end then I can be happy with that, if that be God's will for my life.
I just don't want His will to be for me to preach to thousands, and I was content to just sit at home, teach my Sunday school class, run the sound during church, and preach every now and again.
I want to be obedient to the one who knew me before the earth was formed. I want to be what He made me to be.
And I want to preach the words He gives me, because the words He gives me, even if they seem not as powerful, or not as pretty, not as eloquent as the words I had running around in y head, words of my choosing, I know that His words, no matter how they look to my eyes, are the words that hold the real power.
His words spoke all of creation into existence.
His words became flesh and dwelt among us, dying upon the cross for our sins and being resurrected three days later fulfilling the scriptures.
His word is quick and powerful and sharper than any twoedged sword piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit and of the joints and marrow and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.
His words spoke to a raging storm and the storm stopped.
His word called a dead mans name and Lazarus rose from the grave.
His word said He would never leave me, nor forsake me.
For that reason, I am not afraid of what tomorrow holds, I know that He has called me for this purpose, I know that He would not call me just to abandon me to my own devices.
When Jesus walked on water amidst the storm, do we forget that He had sent the disciples ahead of Him. So either He didn't know it was going to storm, or He did, and He wanted them to go through the storm for a reason, so lastly, if I go through a storm tomorrow night, I know that it is to refine me into what God has called me to be, to give Him the greater glory that He is able to use a man that can't say two words in front of people, can preach with God by his side.
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